just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
