giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The best revenge is premature balding
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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