things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
