In the future we'll all be gay
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
