Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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