at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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