he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
