I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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