It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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