fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Pants are for mortals
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
