our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
