I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
