Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
