btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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