I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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