Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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