Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
