3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
