i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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