I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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