there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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