3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
