i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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