this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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