I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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