mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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