Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
