I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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