Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
