R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
