I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
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We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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