I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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