I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i've created a new STD.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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