i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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