I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Randomize
