just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
