I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
