I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
