end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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