It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
