Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
