The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
