ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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