what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
