apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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