I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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