God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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