remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
