i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
