I need help removing her.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
