I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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