Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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