so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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