I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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