I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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