I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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