sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
