Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
