a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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